I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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