what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
