How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
