So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I need a burrito and a hug.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
