I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
