I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
