I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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