mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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