you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
