i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
