It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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