I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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