my mouth tastes like poor choices
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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