I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
