Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
