i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
