It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
