You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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