Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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