my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
