Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
