you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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