Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
