You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
