the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
