I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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