I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
