i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
