dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
