It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
