Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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