That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
