I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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