You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
