Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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