Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
