im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
