Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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