i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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