the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
