3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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