i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
