Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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