Got a toothbrush?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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