Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
