Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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