this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
