On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
