so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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