What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
