last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
