Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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