conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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