Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
